Jokes Jokes Jokes

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Jokes Jokes Jokes

Postby Michael Xanthios » Fri Oct 27, 2006 10:49 am

It seems the women like to rib the men. Here are some jokes .

Men are like bananas, because the older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like weather, because nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders, because you need one but you're not sure why.

Men are like mascara, because they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like government bonds, because they take soooooo long to mature.

Men are like snowstorms, because you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


Now, now, ladies, that's not funny. :cry:
Last edited by Michael Xanthios on Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby tmitm » Fri Oct 27, 2006 11:02 am

Funniest line I've ever heard on TV.

Last night I was watching Becker, Bob was relating a story from his marriage council sessions.

The Marriage counselor suggested they live out their sexual fantasies.
Bobs wife's fantasy was to make love to the Ice Cream Man, Bob played the part of the out of town husband.

It doesn't sound as funny in print but if you're a fan of the show and know Bob.
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well

Postby colbuki » Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:05 pm

Bobs wife's fantasy was to make love to the Ice Cream Man

I bet you just couldn't wait to post that one !!!! :wink:

and Mike, thanks for the jokes...
Now, now, ladies, that's not funny.


then how come I'm laughing so hard?? :lol: :lol:
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Postby Michael Xanthios » Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:59 pm

Hey!!!!

I won the pay day draw here at work!! $5 got me $40....

Drinks on me in the Hockey Pool room. :lol: :lol:


Mike
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Postby Petitbois » Fri Oct 27, 2006 4:58 pm

tmitm wrote:.....Bob's wife's fantasy was to make love to the Ice Cream Man....


(and now for the commercial segue....)

.....but she wondered whether she could handle a medium!
.....but she feared it might go soft before she got it home!
.....but Colin's mask kept falling off!
.....but he didn't serve S&M!
.....but he couldn't take a licking!
.....but his cones were old and brittle!
.....but ?????? ......(your ideas here)

P&C
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Postby Michael Xanthios » Sat Oct 28, 2006 11:08 pm

Do you hate telemarketers?

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com
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Postby u-pickedcotton » Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:50 am

Crazy
...Mike, good find

Neil

PS.... my wife Wendy was listening and saw your picture she said "hey that's the guy that installed our telephone lInes," :D
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Postby jester1-2 » Sat Nov 04, 2006 7:58 am

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Postby jester1-2 » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:00 am

Image


teehee :shock: :shock:
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Postby jester1-2 » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:02 am

The Buffalo Theory
(In one episode of Cheers, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this....)


"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Postby jester1-2 » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:05 am

Warning: New Date Rape Drug

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.


and theres more............. 8) 8)
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Postby jester1-2 » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:11 am

And the best for last.........

How Canadian women can fight terrorism

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless Canada!
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Postby Gloria Jones » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:59 am

Hey Jester: You're living up to your name - loved the jokes! :lol: :lol:
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Postby u-pickedcotton » Sat Nov 04, 2006 12:02 pm

Subject: Walking eagle


Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last
weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his future
plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about
his ideas for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name "Walking Eagle".

As the President departed waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a news
reporter asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name
given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
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Postby jester1-2 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:34 am

One for the ladies..........


And man said to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" and God replied, "So that you would love her." "But God" said the man "why did you make her so dumb?" And God looked at him, smiled and said "So SHE would love YOU."



:shock: :shock:
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Postby jester1-2 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:37 am

One for the guys..........


A man is walking on the beach when he sees a corked bottle washed up on the shore. He pulls out the cork and, sure enough, out pops a genie.

“Wow, you’re a genie, I get three wishes, right?”

“actually, no, you only get one wish, and it must be something you really want, your heart’s desire.”

“well . . .this may sound silly but ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to drive to america.”

“What ?”

“To drive to america. I want you to create a bridge across the atlantic, from england to america, then I can drive my car across it. And the bridge will be mine so I can make a fortune charging people to use it.”

“Look, I can do magic, but get real! Do you realise how deep the atlantic is? How large the supporting pillars would have to be? And they’d have to be strong enough to withstand icebergs, atlantic gales, and huge tankers crashing into them. and even if the bridge was built it would be the most obvious terrorist target on the face of the earth. It would have to be bomb-proof and probably have an army stationed on it. How about something a little more realistic?”


“OK, How about this, I’ve always wanted to really understand women, I want to understand how they see things so I can relate to them and get closer to them, I want to have the ability to think the way they do.”

And the genie said:

“How many lanes do you want on your bridge?”


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Postby jester1-2 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:53 am

For teachers of either gender........

OUR WONDERFUL ENGLISH LANGUAGE
ENGLISH?
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at
your
leisure, English lovers.
Please do read the entire passage as it makes for an interesting
intellectual read.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet and are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakes should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out, in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.


:shock: :shock:
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Postby jester1-2 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:28 pm

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.



"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"



Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.




"The airbag."
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Postby jester1-2 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:32 pm

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the waste disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
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Postby Michael Xanthios » Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:36 pm

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blonde joke

Postby u-pickedcotton » Mon Nov 06, 2006 3:38 pm

A blonde walks into a TD bank in Toronto and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.
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Postby Guest » Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:48 pm

Excuse the bad word!

Indian Toilet Paper
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.
The clerk asks if he would like No Name, Charmin or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sound like good Indian Toilet paper," says the Indian.
"How much?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That pretty expensive," responds the Indian.
"What about other?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and No Name is 50 cents a roll."The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the No Name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.
"I have name for No Name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk.
"Call it John Wayne."
"Why?" ask the confused clerk.
"Cause it rough and tough and don't take no shit off Indian."
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Postby u-pickedcotton » Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:33 pm

Call it John Wayne....it's got true grit owooo....LOL
Neil
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Postby u-pickedcotton » Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:54 am

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16.
Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring, so sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."
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Will that be one meatball or two????

Postby Lisa Copland » Tue Nov 07, 2006 8:52 am

A very wealthy Italian man is having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, over dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant, she confides in him that she's pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he offers to pay her a large sum of money if she would agree to terminate their relationship, have the child and also he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agrees, but asks how he would know when the baby was born. To keep everything discreet, he tells her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. Upon receiving the postcard, he would then arrange for child support.

Nine months later, the man comes home to his extremelyconfused wife.

Honey," she replies, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he says. The wife obeys, and watches as her husband reads the card, turns white, and faints.

On the card was written, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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