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What did you do today dear........

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:43 pm
by jester1-2
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:59 pm
by jester1-2
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the
same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be
admitted to Heaven.

The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven
today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most
perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the
same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever
and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into

Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What the hell was that all about? I
showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me
down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven!
Would you explain that to me !!?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair— no matter how big they are


PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:49 pm
by jester1-2
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip
in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto
the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a
lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower
beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say,
'$20 or off it comes!' "

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:27 pm
by Mark Llew
I know that woman, a old Russian lady ! ! !

She used to live on my street -- Mrs Ivana Kucherkakov.

Sorry, Don, I tried but I couldn't resist it.

Is my 'Get out of jail free' card good for this?

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:12 pm
by Jimmer01
hahahahahaha..........good one Mark


PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:26 am
by Al Darby
Mark Llew wrote:I know that woman, an old Russian lady ! ! !

She used to live on my street -- Mrs Ivana Kucherkakov.

Sorry, Don, I tried but I couldn't resist it.

Is my 'Get out of jail free' card good for this?

Was she related to the Kuchapekarov family on Ewing St.? :twisted: :oops: :twisted:

Bart Simpson Lives!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:45 am
by Guest
Don't be sorry Mark, if that did not bring a smile to the faces of our viewers....

Al, I think I knew that family, the girls had a difficult time finding boyfriends!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:27 pm
by Jacki-W
LMAOOO gee I wonder why ???

Sure her name wasn't Mrs Bobbitt ???

PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:32 pm
by Al Darby
Jacki-W wrote:LMAOOO gee I wonder why ???

Sure her name wasn't Mrs Bobbitt ???

Between knives and super glue, men with "Flat Feet"* have lots to worry about.

* Their feet are in someone else's flat.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:55 am
by jester1-2
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, theLord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."